2005-03-18 - 04:32

Most people are morally ambiguous, hence the random dying pattern.--MST3K

So, for the first time in a long time I honestly felt bad about being so fucking elitist. I seriously have so much apologizing to do. I love my friends. love them. They are awesome. They know so much about all these different, fantastic, wonderful, amazing things and the best part is they tell me about it. Bitchy, nasty, elitist, not-very-nice me about it. I think I’ve given some of them the impression that I think its ridiculous that they don’t know the things I know. Or, that they are stupid. This is just not the case. The people that I know are fantastic. Felicia and Lindsay and Emily have introduced me (and/or reminded me) of all this wonderful music. Anna and Rebekah constantly remind me of the fortitude and the compassion we are capable of. Beth has taught me about tennis and history and kindness and my Mother has taught me about strength and sacrifice and My Dad has taught me about pursuing my dreams and Robin has taught me about focus and Rich and Graham have taught me about expectations and letting go. Kara has taught me about priorities. Elizabeth has taught me about problem solving and working through whatever the problem is. And that small, small list of people I’ve just mentioned is just a fraction of a percentage of the people I love and what I love about those people. If I didn’t mention you, don’t be offended. I’ve had a few beers and I’m listening to a new CD so I’m a little distracted.

For all my kvetching about humanity and how much I hate it, you’d think it was maybe true. It’s not. I know this might seem like I’m trying to take the easy way out, but I really do love people. I see how awesome we can be in our best moments, and even though I know how hard it is, I’m always a little disappointed we’re not more like that all that the time. The crap thing is, when I say that, I don’t mean the people in my life. I don’t know how they could manage to be any better than they are, and to ask for more I’d be looking a gift horse in the mouth. I’m basing my feelings on the subject on the people I spend exactly thirty seven seconds with at work. People that I’m probably seeing in their less-than-stellar moments. People that I see when they’re not trying, when they’re taking a moment to breath, or when they’re so wrapped up in themselves that they’ve forgotten to be human. Its unfair to judge humanity on its worst moments, like its unfair to judge humanity on its best moments.

In Physics, there is this thing called threshold magnitude. I know about it because of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who I know about and have read because of my mother. A thing’s threshold magnitude is the point in which something stops being what it is and irrevocably becomes something else. Things can bounce back and forth over lines, sometimes one thing and sometimes another, but there is a point of no return where a thing becomes one thing and ceases forever being the other. Solzhenitsyn knew this was possible in physics and thought it was also possible with people. His example is that a human being bounces over the evil line throughout its life, but that there is a point where one can only be evil and one can no longer be not evil (like, when you’re taking icons out of churches for the purpose of using them for target practice because you think its fun to shoot.) I think it works for other things as well. Like, there is an amazing line. And, we bounce back and forth over it all the time. And, there is a sucky line, which we also bounce over all the time. In general, we’re usually somewhere in the middle. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. I drive myself insane with my ridiculous standards. If you’re in my life, and I’ve made you feel, to quote Dan Rydell,like anything less than you are, I am truly sorry. You are amazing

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